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The top twenty lives
20th century rebel with a cause-
Unfortnatly my cause was to drink a lot and get herpes. I eventaully clocked out of that life in 1978 by putting my head in an oven when I realized that movies like Grease would be how my generation was remembered.
19th century newpaper editor-
You've heard of yellow journalism? Well I, Ronald Fargus, started it all. Ever hear of the Civil War? It was I who inticed the Yankees to fire on Fort Sumter, the South to cecede, and Sherman to burn the whole damn place to the ground all in the name of selling newpaper copies. I am a god. My grandson started WWI by telling the assassin that Archduke Ferdinad was the guy who stole his girlfriend
18h century milkmaid-
I was Ellen, a milkmaid on a farm in Maryland. I had a taste for trouble and bacon. Hence I weighted nearly 200 pounds. My fondest memory of the farm were the gentle cows, who would soothe your soul with their peaceful lowing until they were slaughtered in the fall. Then all you had for background noise was sizzling steaks. It was a good and simple life except for the rampant disease, unrelenting racism, and the fear of invasion from any number of hostile Indian tribes that were in the area. I'm glad I died young in that one.
17th century tax collecter-
I was known as John, but to my friends and family I was known as the bastard. I took bribes from the British Parilment so that I would unfairly collect more taxes on my Irish country men. I suppose my hatred for my fellow Irish started early in life when I discover that I really loathed potatoes. I couldn't stand the vile taste. Antimosity grew between us and eventually I was stabbed over fifty times by a potato peels. Ironic. But I took my secret of how to avoid famine with me to the grave.
Anne Bodlyn-
I would just like to say that the only reason I was excuted because that bitch Jane Seymor had it out for me since day one. Thank you.
16th century royal attendant-
My name doesn't matter because all the members of the French Monacry refered to me as You There By The Door. I was eventually imprisoned for responding one day with a healty "Baiser Voux!" to the Queen Mother. But I didn't expire there in prison. I escaped with the help of a guard whom I seduced and then blackmailed. I lived out the rest of my years in Italy, where I became something of a minor celebrity by telling off-color stories about my former employers. They weren't all true. God, I'm glad they all got their over-perfumed heads cut off.
14th Century plauge victim
I was Micheal Underbridge, but that doesn't matter because the only time anyone ever noticed me was when my festering corpse fell off the wagon on the way to the mass burial pit. They left me behind. Centuries later someone would dig up my remains and assume a murder had taken place. An innocent man was tried and hung. So there.
13th Century plauge victim
Much like my future self one hundred years later, I died of the earlier strain of the plauge, along with my husband, father, and seven children. I was lucky to die first and not have to tend to the dying like everyone else. And also I was German.
12 Century plauge victim
I'm starting to see a pattern emerging here.
11th Century Crusade warrior
Oddly enough I was a Muslim man defending the Holy City from the European Invaders. I had a rewarding life as a public excutioner before and after the Crusades. My wives and I collected the severed body parts of the condemned and fashioned them into sovieners for early Asiatic tourists. I lived until the ripe old age of seventy-eight thanks to advanced medical techniques of my countrymen. I died in the company of my offspring and severed body parts.
10th Century Mongul Hordsman's Wife
A Hun knows how to treat a lady. Hoo-yah.
9th Century South American Chief
I was, for fifty-two years, Xiciaquaintiie, the fearless leader of a tribe of early Native Americans living in Brazil. My monkey guards were feared from the Atlantic to the Pacific coasts. They could stop a fly with their posion-tipped blowdarts. I enjoyed nothing more then bananas and the company of my amazing monkey guard. Dance monkeys, dance for me one last time.
8th Century Chinese noblewoman
I could throw a party like no one's business. I was the orginal party animal. My silk robes couldn't hold the pure party funk that I had. So I went about naked. I was the first human to have the Funk Fever.
7th Century Spainish Nun
Boy, was being a nun exciting. Nearly as exciting as working in the sarcasm mines.
6th Century Austrlian Aborginane
Nothing like caves, kangaroos, and a cornicopia of flora and fauna to keep a man busy for a lifetime. I was renowed for my boomerang skills. Too bad I didn't build a giant one to obliterate Europe and nip the problem in the bud.
5th Century Goth
I helped sack Rome. I had Nero's personal chamber pot. I used it as an ashtray. I wish I still had it. That would get a great price on eBay. But I don't really want to know what kind of people are in the market for a infamous pervert's toliet.
4th Century Egyptian fruit merchant.
I sold fruit. Not much else to say. I wasn't even mumified. Just thrown to the jackels.
3rd Century Canadian Inuit Indian
This was a fun life, except for the bitter cold. Other then that, no complaints.
2nd Century Christian thrown to the lions.
This is my only claim to fame, being mauled and eventually devored by lions. Before that I was a modest weaver from Rome. See if that bastard gets my vote.
1st Century Hebrew.
Ok, you know how some people brag that they are related to Thomas Jefferson or Mark Twain? My second cousin, twice removed, was none other then Jesus Christ himself. Famous-wise, you really can't get any bigger then that. Sure, people may have read Huck Finn, but has an international religion been based around it? I think not.
From then on it gets hazy. I think I helped build Stonehenge, painted a bision on a cave somewhere in France, made boats in Polynesia, crossed a land bridge in Siberia, carved some big ass statues, and worshipped many graven images.
My point is that anyone can make up a past, but it takes dedication to make up pasts for about two dozen people.
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